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Quotes for Albanian Road Trip.

Richard Hammond[]

(After pushing Jeremy's 'Bentley', which went off) What kind of drag race is that?
(After James' 'suicide') Anyway.

James May[]

Couldn't we have murdered somebody a bit smaller?
Oh, crickey, it's the Albanian rozzers!
(Seeing the roadblock) You'll never take me alive, copper! (turns to drive off cliff) I'll see you in Spain, lads!

Jeremy Clarkson[]

(Opening the episode) Now, we begin with a letter. (opens it) It says, "Dear Top Gear, I am a leading light in the Albanian Mafia. And I'm thinking of buying the new baby Rolls-Royce, the Ghost. But, how does it compare to, say, a Bentley or a Mercedes? Yours sincerely, Normanski Ataesi." (closes it) Now this caused one hell of a row in the office. The producers said we should go out to Albania and do the test. We said, "No, we can't be seen to be helping the Mafia." We were adamant. We said, "This is our line in the sand, we will not go!" (folds his arms)
(Driving a Yugo since the Mulsane was unavailable) What the hell were Bentley thinking of!?
(the pantyhose keeps dropping in Clarkson's face) Really annoying me now, keeps dropping down. How do women wear tights?

Dialogue[]

Discussing Albanian words[]

Jeremy: (After Richard says 'car') Can't say that.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: You can't say that word, the C-word.
Richard: I didn't, did I?
Jeremy: Not that C-word, the other C-word.
Richard: Car?
Jeremy: Yes.
Richard: Car?
Jeremy: You can't say that. "Car" here means, "gentleman's sausage". (Dick)
Richard: Really? What?
Jeremy: That's why they all watch Top Gear in Albania. (tries an Albanian accent) Funniest show in the world! Funnier even than Norman Wisdom, you make show about...
Richard: So when I say, "My car's enormous..."
Jeremy: (normal voice) That's the funniest thing in the world they've ever heard.
Richard: They tune in every week. We do a car show.
Jeremy: Yes, but you can't say car or peach.
Richard: Peach? Don't say peach? What does that mean?
Jeremy: Lady garden.
Richard: So this car's a peach is really bad.

(later, in the studio)

Jeremy: James, Richard, bad news.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Do you see the girl with the red beret on? (points her out)
Richard: Yeah.
Jeremy: She's from Albania.
Richard: Hello!
Jeremy: And can we just ask, is it right that the word "car" means...?
Albanian Crowd Member: (smirking out of amusement) Yes.
Jeremy: And "peach"?
Albanian Crowd Member: (mouths) Yes.
Richard: I thought you'd made it up.
Jeremy: No, we didn't make it up. She's actually from Albania.
Richard: Fair enough.

Ridiculous ways to get put in jail[]

Jeremy: One man, who owned a cafe, got 18 years in jail for telling a customer he didn't have a spoon. Another man pointed at Corfu over there and said, "Why have they got a light in their harbor and we haven't?" He got 25 years.

Robbing a bank[]

Jeremy: (voiceover) The next morning, we found a bank full of money, and robbed it.
(Jeremy walks out through the back, wearing a pantyhose over his head, has a M1911 gun and bag in hands.)
Jeremy: Going for a stroll, look normal, look normal, look normal. (comes up to Richard's car) Yeah, take the Merc, it's the quickest. (stuffs his bag in back and struggles to get into the wheel). Oh, God, Hammond! Hammond! (manages to get in and set the gun aside) There we are, completely normal.
(He closes the door and speeds off as Hammond comes out, with a pantyhose over his head and bag in hand)
Richard: My Merc. (stops) Clarkson, you (bleep)! Right, Rolls it is! (goes to James' car, gets in and places his bag in the passenger seat) Seatbelt safety. (puts the seatbelt on and speeds off)
(James comes out, with a gun and bag in hand and pantyhose over his head)
James: You utter (bleep)! (runs to the Yugo as the bank alarm blares and drives off) What a pair of utter, utter cars!

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